|
|
Post by breck20 on Apr 15, 2011 15:33:56 GMT -5
I love a good joke! Ok, this one is fairly dirty, but I laughed out loud when I heard it, so here it goes...
A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.
The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".
"I am actually 47."
Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
|
|
|
|
Post by quartermoonmist on Apr 15, 2011 19:44:20 GMT -5
Hey breck20, That is now, my Favorite Joke, of all times!  What a great joke, I didn't even see that coming. I wonder, if he did? ;D Thank you for the laughter, I really, really needed that.  |
|
|
|
Post by quartermoonmist on Apr 18, 2011 4:13:02 GMT -5
St Peter At The Pearly Gates #2 Another Classic It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died." St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!" St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...." |
|
|
|
Post by kibbytap03 on Apr 19, 2011 12:15:58 GMT -5
Just wanted to thank y'all for the laughs. Sometimes all one needs is to laugh so hard that they're in tears & ready to fall of their seat, well atleast that's all I need!!
|
|
|
|
Post by breck20 on Apr 20, 2011 14:14:38 GMT -5
TRICKING A NUN
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
|
|
|
|
Post by quartermoonmist on Apr 22, 2011 13:48:31 GMT -5
#phew# I wasn't sure where that was going, as I read it. That was really funny, breck20, I like your sense of humor . Madame kippytap03, I'm so glad to be a part of giving you, the "All That I Need", feeling Keep smiling, your smile is Beautiful & Contagious. |
|
|
|
Post by quartermoonmist on Apr 22, 2011 14:08:17 GMT -5
 Happy Earth Day, Fellow Melons. CONFUCIUS SAY,: "Man who put head on railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache." Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man with one chopstick go hungry. Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk. War not determine who is right, war determine who is left. Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. Man who sit on tack get point! Man who jump off cliff, jump to conclusion! When called an idiot sometimes is better to be quiet than to open mouth and remove all doubt. Man who behaves like an ass will be the butt of those who crack jokes. He who thinks only of number one must remember this number is next to nothing. Wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn. Man who fly airplane upside-down bound to have crack up. Man who take sleeping pill and laxative on the same night will wake up in deep shit. Virginity like bubble: one prick, all gone. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. Man who cut self while shaving, lose face. He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons. Man who stick foot in mouth get athlete's tongue. Man who fart in church sit in own pew. Crowded elevator smell different to midget. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails
|
|
|
|
Post by melonhead1784 on Apr 22, 2011 21:44:15 GMT -5
lol all great jokes. Thanks!
|
|
|
|
Post by quartermoonmist on Apr 24, 2011 18:31:15 GMT -5
Hey melonhead1784, There's nothing better then a Hap-Bee Melon. Temptation I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car! |
|
|
|
Post by breck20 on Apr 26, 2011 10:52:34 GMT -5
#mattsfunny# #smilieclap#
|
|
|
|
Post by breck20 on Apr 26, 2011 10:56:52 GMT -5
#phew# I wasn't sure where that was going, as I read it. That was really funny, breck20, I like your sense of humor . I have a really off and dry sense of humor. Although, sometimes, it is still best to bust out the "that's what she said" kind of jokes! Here's one now!! This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window... He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. "Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor? "Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies. He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer." Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!" |
|
|
|
Post by quartermoonmist on Apr 29, 2011 1:15:14 GMT -5
breck20, I totally LMAO!  That is soo Funny, I Love, Love, Love, it. I slacked a little, I only, just now, read this. I really could've used the "Happy Tears" over the past few days. Thank you for the laugh. This one doesn't come close to yours but it is cute. Birthday Present A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not, been dating very long, & after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves, would strike the right note - romantic, but not Too Personal. Accompanied, by his sweetheart's younger sister, he bought a pair of white gloves; the younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves, & the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents first, he sealed his package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note: Darling, I chose these because I noticed, that you are not in the habit of wearing any, when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones, that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from, showed me the pair she had been wearing ,for the past three weeks, & they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on, for me and she looked really smart. I wish I were there, to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt, other hands will come in contact with them, before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them, before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp, from wearing. Just think how many times, I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my Love, Hollingsworth P.S. The latest style, is to wear them folded down,with a little fur showing. |
|
|
|
Post by breck20 on Apr 29, 2011 10:13:15 GMT -5
#sFun_rofl#
|
|
|
|
Post by kibbytap03 on Apr 29, 2011 10:37:06 GMT -5
#sFun_rofl# some good laughs!!!
|
|
|
|
Post by quartermoonmist on May 4, 2011 14:05:23 GMT -5
;)Funny Quotes: Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. The road to success is always under construction If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button. Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film. After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles." A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected! |
|
Happy Earth Day, Fellow Melons. 
