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Post by quartermoonmist on Mar 27, 2011 14:39:58 GMT -5
A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". "What's your name?" she asked. He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."
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Post by quartermoonmist on Mar 31, 2011 12:04:14 GMT -5
An Oldie But Goody: An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."  |
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Post by quartermoonmist on Mar 31, 2011 12:13:40 GMT -5
 Caution:This Joke Has Sexual Content, That may be Offensive. If you think this joke goes to far, of course I will Delete it.  Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
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Post by quartermoonmist on Apr 6, 2011 15:33:52 GMT -5
THE FIRST TIME
A pretty young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light tap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.
"Miss Jones," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."
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Post by quartermoonmist on Apr 8, 2011 9:07:24 GMT -5
This is going back in time a bit:
After numerous rounds of: "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the F B I. No one could solve it so it went to the C I A, then to NSA.
With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. MI-6 cabled the White House:
"Tell the President he's holding the message Upside Down
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Post by melonhead1784 on Apr 8, 2011 16:04:38 GMT -5
lol had to look at that last one for awhile!
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Post by quartermoonmist on Apr 9, 2011 14:22:43 GMT -5
Hi melonhead1784, I know,right?!! I did the same thing. I'm glad to see your reading these posts & enjoying them. I was starting to wonder, if I may have been the only one getting laughs from them . I hope things are going Good & Your Happy! Happiness is Strength, My Friend  . |
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Post by melonhead1784 on Apr 9, 2011 21:04:34 GMT -5
They definitely help brighten the mood. Congrats on Melon of the Month as well!!!
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Post by Leigh Anne on Apr 10, 2011 10:49:34 GMT -5
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Post by quartermoonmist on Apr 10, 2011 15:53:34 GMT -5
Thank You SWEET melonhead1784 . And leighanne, What an Awesome site, I never saw it before, Thank you, for expanding my world with Extra good times & Laughs. ;D The Golden Gates Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the Ugliest Women in the Universe." So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week, before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the Ugliest Woman he had ever seen. The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second Ugliest Woman in the Universe. So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women, when they see their Third Friend walking with the Hottest Woman Ever Conceived By Man. The first two guys say, in Unison, "How did you Land, with that Babe, when we get stuck, with these Nasty Women?" He nudges the Babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I.... lied." |
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Post by quartermoonmist on Apr 13, 2011 11:48:38 GMT -5
Two Drunks
Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!"
The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".
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Post by quartermoonmist on Apr 13, 2011 14:43:10 GMT -5
Tiger
Q:Why Doesn't tiger have any friends?
A:Because he plays with pooh
____________________________________________________
Cock A Doodly Doo!
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell.
The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."
Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but, farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy and takes the rooster home.
He then sets him down in the barnyard and gives the rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job.
"So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer ended with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot.
WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.
After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Randy after the flock of geese down by the lake. Once again, WHAM! He gets all the geese.
By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught -- worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob -- stone cold in the middle of the yard and buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "SHHHH, they're getting closer..."
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Post by quartermoonmist on Apr 14, 2011 7:41:37 GMT -5
Funny Pickup Lines IF ANYONE ACTUALLY HAS LUCK WITH ANY OF THESE, OR HAVE USED THEM, IN THE PAST. PLEASE, YOU GOTTA, TELL ME ABOUT IT. SO FUNNY! Did you fart? Because you blew me away... Does this rag smell like chloroform to you? Do you have any raisins? No? How about a date? Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package. I hope there's a fireman around, cause you're smokin'! Are you smoking? (No!) Oh, yes you are! Hey I just realized this, but you look a lot like my next girlfriend. You've been a bad girl. Go to my room. I'm invisible. (Really?) Can you see me? (Yes) How about tomorrow night? You’re so hot, that when I look at you I get a tan… Was your father an alien? Cos honey on planet earth there's nothing else like you! Your Daddy must have been a baker, cause you got the nicest set of buns I've ever seen. You look like my third wife! (How many have you had?) Two. Hi. I'm an astronaut, and my next mission is to explore Uranus. I know I'm not a grocery item but I can tell when you're checking me out. Life without you would be like a broken pencil... pointless. Kiss me if I am wrong, but isn't your name (take a guess) ...Janice? The word of the day is "legs." Let's say we head back to your place and spread the word. |
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Post by breck20 on Apr 14, 2011 12:07:12 GMT -5
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out,"Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"
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Post by quartermoonmist on Apr 14, 2011 16:58:52 GMT -5
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Caution:This Joke Has Sexual Content, That may be Offensive. If you think this joke goes to far, of course I will Delete it. 
.
. That's so Great.
