Post by ishbell on Apr 14, 2009 17:46:11 GMT -5
It may not have been such a good idea to talk about my addiction and I feel like I've scared people off or disgusted some so here goes I'll try to redeem myself. I'm in day 10 of detox the worst of the physical withdrawals are over, the emotional stuff is now the biggest issue and a complete lack of sleep has left me "punch drunk" if you want to know more about quitting drugs cold turkey pm me. If I'm skipping words and not making sense that's the reason.
I was a heroin addict many years ago and considered myself "cured". How did it happen? At seventeen I was running with an older crowd, I had skipped a couple of grades in school (no bragging here), I was sort of their mascot and the guys were very protective of me. We were called freaks (another name for pot heads). An older guy from my hometown had come back and he saw me at what we called the "old beach" it was unsupervised and that's where all the parties were. He was 28 and really beautiful on the outside, his hair was really long and I loved long haired guys. He tried hard to get to me but my friend Paul warned me that this guy was a snake and not to trust him and made sure he never got to me. In any case, the snake invited me to visit him in Vancouver where he lived and shared a big old house with some people I knew. So I flew out there, I was really excited. He picked me up at the airport and took me downtown to the Gaslight district and Hastings St. a really seedy area. I was exhausted and jet lagged so he suggested we go to the house. I had smoked pot and tried different drugs but never heroin. He asked me if I had virgin veins and I thought what's he talking about. Well he was asking me if I had ever mainlined drugs. He talked me into trying it which I did and so it goes..... For a little while I used once in a while but eventually became a hard core addict though I only snorted it, I never mainlined again. I never sold my body for it I did other things which I won't divulge, if you want to know pm me this is hard enough but I want to be understood. Well I eventually turned my life around. Got married had a child blah, blah, blah.
I cherish my son, I raised him in a calm & happy home. No violence, no abuse and taught him to have a social conscience. Well a year ago March 28th he was downtown with some friends doing what teenagers do. He and his friend were stabbed in a completely unprovoked, random act of violence. My son was stabbed twice one wound just below a lung and the other almost right through the liver. We almost lost him. They had to drag me out of the trauma unit, he was coding because of loss of blood. There was blood everywhere, I'm crying again because I still can't talk about it without doing so.
I think that all the mothers on this forum understand why a mother bear will stand between her cubs and a perceived threat and fight to the death if she has to. After the initial trauma I went into a murderous rage, we had the name of the guy who stabbed him but he's a psychopath and no one would come forward to talk because of fear. Well I WAS NOT AFRAID and I was going to cause a lot of collateral damage. I was already on oxycontins for a back injury. I went on a higher dose. I deliberately chewed one when I realized that I could not cause any more damage so I killed the rage and in the process almost killed myself. I went to rehab then relapsed and now I'm detoxing at home, it's not a pretty sight. My husband has stood by my side through it all. He got so scared at the height of the withdrawals he called 911 in desperation. It was really, really ugly. My son was not at home during this time.
I'm determined to put this behind me and stay clean. I'll get the help I need and we need to heal as a family. I'm ashamed but I coped the only way I could.
That's why I have issues with people who want "pretty boys" as frontmen for bands and who only see the outside shell of Shannon, Andy, Layne and all the others who died from drug overdoses. There's a running thread in some heroin addicts (not all). Very impulsive, carefree, risk takers, I was like that but there is a very dark side to that and it's fear. So judge me if you will, I really don't care now.
But to all of you out there who feel like you don't fit in or don't belong, aren't pretty enough or handsome enough, you know what it makes you, a better person. You are precious and wonderful and make this world beautiful and interesting. I have nothing against beautiful people if they're not self-centered with big egos, beauty is not a crime but nor should it be rewarded, they've done nothing for it, it's just good genes. Later I'll get on the subject of "rock stars and models", that will be a blast.
I'm now shaking and exhausted so this is all I'll say. I'm going to post something in Skinned maybe but I'll wait until I'm stronger.
One more thing, since I've said so much I may as well say this, Ryan is the "whole package". Whoever he winds up with will be lucky indeed, hope I haven't embarrassed you Ryan but it's the truth.
much love
ishy
So I
I was a heroin addict many years ago and considered myself "cured". How did it happen? At seventeen I was running with an older crowd, I had skipped a couple of grades in school (no bragging here), I was sort of their mascot and the guys were very protective of me. We were called freaks (another name for pot heads). An older guy from my hometown had come back and he saw me at what we called the "old beach" it was unsupervised and that's where all the parties were. He was 28 and really beautiful on the outside, his hair was really long and I loved long haired guys. He tried hard to get to me but my friend Paul warned me that this guy was a snake and not to trust him and made sure he never got to me. In any case, the snake invited me to visit him in Vancouver where he lived and shared a big old house with some people I knew. So I flew out there, I was really excited. He picked me up at the airport and took me downtown to the Gaslight district and Hastings St. a really seedy area. I was exhausted and jet lagged so he suggested we go to the house. I had smoked pot and tried different drugs but never heroin. He asked me if I had virgin veins and I thought what's he talking about. Well he was asking me if I had ever mainlined drugs. He talked me into trying it which I did and so it goes..... For a little while I used once in a while but eventually became a hard core addict though I only snorted it, I never mainlined again. I never sold my body for it I did other things which I won't divulge, if you want to know pm me this is hard enough but I want to be understood. Well I eventually turned my life around. Got married had a child blah, blah, blah.
I cherish my son, I raised him in a calm & happy home. No violence, no abuse and taught him to have a social conscience. Well a year ago March 28th he was downtown with some friends doing what teenagers do. He and his friend were stabbed in a completely unprovoked, random act of violence. My son was stabbed twice one wound just below a lung and the other almost right through the liver. We almost lost him. They had to drag me out of the trauma unit, he was coding because of loss of blood. There was blood everywhere, I'm crying again because I still can't talk about it without doing so.
I think that all the mothers on this forum understand why a mother bear will stand between her cubs and a perceived threat and fight to the death if she has to. After the initial trauma I went into a murderous rage, we had the name of the guy who stabbed him but he's a psychopath and no one would come forward to talk because of fear. Well I WAS NOT AFRAID and I was going to cause a lot of collateral damage. I was already on oxycontins for a back injury. I went on a higher dose. I deliberately chewed one when I realized that I could not cause any more damage so I killed the rage and in the process almost killed myself. I went to rehab then relapsed and now I'm detoxing at home, it's not a pretty sight. My husband has stood by my side through it all. He got so scared at the height of the withdrawals he called 911 in desperation. It was really, really ugly. My son was not at home during this time.
I'm determined to put this behind me and stay clean. I'll get the help I need and we need to heal as a family. I'm ashamed but I coped the only way I could.
That's why I have issues with people who want "pretty boys" as frontmen for bands and who only see the outside shell of Shannon, Andy, Layne and all the others who died from drug overdoses. There's a running thread in some heroin addicts (not all). Very impulsive, carefree, risk takers, I was like that but there is a very dark side to that and it's fear. So judge me if you will, I really don't care now.
But to all of you out there who feel like you don't fit in or don't belong, aren't pretty enough or handsome enough, you know what it makes you, a better person. You are precious and wonderful and make this world beautiful and interesting. I have nothing against beautiful people if they're not self-centered with big egos, beauty is not a crime but nor should it be rewarded, they've done nothing for it, it's just good genes. Later I'll get on the subject of "rock stars and models", that will be a blast.
I'm now shaking and exhausted so this is all I'll say. I'm going to post something in Skinned maybe but I'll wait until I'm stronger.
One more thing, since I've said so much I may as well say this, Ryan is the "whole package". Whoever he winds up with will be lucky indeed, hope I haven't embarrassed you Ryan but it's the truth.
much love
ishy
So I